A Crumbling Foundation

“I’m coming home on Monday” Grandma told Mom and I.  We looked at each other and, internally, rolled our eyes.  The next day, we went in and talked to the social worker.  “Mom is telling me that you told her she’s coming home” Mom told him.  “Yea, Monday or Tuesday” he told us.  Shock.  Um, wait… weren’t you supposed to call us five days in advanced?  “You’re on my call list for today.”

We have to go back to Tennessee this weekend to get our stuff.  Yes, we’re leaving tomorrow sometime.  Am I ready?

On the one hand, yes.  I love this house and I can’t wait to live there.

On the other hand, no.  No, I’m not excited about being stuck in the middle of nowhere.  No, I’m not excited about existing in a house, and pretty much, nowhere else.  I’m not happy about walking around in a house and not doing anything.  I’m afraid of the world continuing while I’m idle and stuck and hidden away.

But, because I know how I feel and what I’m afraid of, I can learn how not to be.  I’ve got my room downstairs again, I’ve got a better understand of how I was back when I lived there before, and things with Grandma will be different, so Mom and I will be different.  I know for sure that I am gong to take this time, however long she lives for, to focus on writing.  That’s what I wanted in the first place when I quit college.  That’s what I’ve always wanted.  I know that I can run away to my bedroom when I am afraid and know that I won’t be when I leave that room.  You don’t know understand that room, it’s pretty much a miracle room.

Ok, just writing about it is making me feel better.  See?  Writing.

I’m not happy about leaving TN, I’m sad.  I’ve spent three years here, I’ve made a couple of friends.  But, I’m happy to take care of Grandma and finally focus on my hope. wish, goal in life.  I want to be a writer.  I want to write a book and have it available for people to have.  I’m ready to make that happen.  And I have to make a change to change.

Are you ready?

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