As I write this, my new house guest, or should I say occupant, is watching t.v. in my basement. My dad. I know I don’t talk about him much, and that’s because I don’t really have much to say. He hasn’t been around all that often. So, how did we get here?
My parents got divorced when I was 5 or 6. Since then, it’s been hit or miss. Maybe he’d call, maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he’d see me, maybe he wouldn’t. And that’s how it’s been, up until now.
Last year when Mom died, he came down to see me right away. Even after I said I didn’t need him to. I told him I wanted him to come live with me, mainly out of not wanting to be alone. He came back down later that year and brought some boxes. When he went back home, I called him and told him I wasn’t ready. This was the first time I was alone, and I wanted to experience it.
He took it really well. It surprised me, and it also hurt. I told him I wanted him here, and he got so excited, only to have me tell him I changed my mind. But he was totally ok with it, he understood completely, and told me when I was ready he’d be here.
Finally, after careful concideration and a series of events that happened to him, I decided it was time. The only thing was, I thought that once I told him, I’d have some time to adjust to the idea. I don’t do well with certain types of changes. I can’t explain what those changes are, because some changes that happen fast I’m ok with. And some changes that happen slow I’m good with too.
I came home about a month ago with boxes already at my garage. Wow, so this is really happening. It was kind of a wake-up call. You better start mentally preparing. Someone who hasn’t been in your life for 20-ish years is about to be around you every day.
As the boxes continued to arrive, reality started to set in. And I didn’t know how to take it. I wasn’t really as excited as I knew I should have been. I told him I wanted him to move in, but was I regretting my decision? Well, I didn’t want to change my mind again, so I had to be ok with it.
When it came time to him coming down here, it looked like I’d have an extra week to prepare, clean up, organize, “mourn the loss of my alone-ness” if you will. Then he calls and tells me, “I’ll be there tomorrow.”
When I talk about certain changes that upset me, this was one of them. It was a sudden change. An instant change, like my mother. She left me in an instant, and my dad entered my life in an instant. And I was not ok either way.
I was frustrated. You don’t know me well enough to know I need at least a week heads up on something like this. I need time. I’m a very go with the flow type of person, but not when it comes to being alone and then all of a sudden, not. You’re about to flip my life upside down and you go from one week to tomorrow.
But as soon as I saw him…
I can always tell when feelings aren’t that “real”, or deep seeded, because when I feel things, real things, I feel them. But in that moment, in an instant, the only feeling left was…relief? Calm? Not so much excitement, more like, a kind of negative anticipation subsided. He was here. It finally happened. The waiting and wondering was over.
A few years ago, I let go of everything that happened in the past, in my childhood. Last year he gave me more answers that made my life and our relationship make sense. Even though I was hesitant on him being here and I was mad at the change I only had a day to digest, it’s over. It’s all over. And he’s here. And he’s not going anywhere.
That’s a weird thing to say.