Anywhere And Here

Hi, my name is Sarah, and I don’t know what I’m doing.

I feel like I need to start over. Even though you are able to go back and read my previous posts, it seems like it would be a nice gesture to get you caught up. So, let’s try that.

I quit college to be a writer. My mother, who was my best friend, supporter, pretty much my everything, was perfectly fine with that. She told me to start with a blog. So, I started a blog before this one. I just read back through it. It was pretty boring. And I thought the same thing back then, which is why I stopped and made this one.

I’ve had some trouble keeping up with this over the years, but I always seem to come back to it. This last hiatus was due to my mother’s death, and me trying to, I guess, “find myself.”

Did it work? Kind of. Let me explain.

My mother passed away on February 26th, 2020. I’ll talk about that experience in detail later on, but for now, I’m trying to be brief. About a month later, after I had decided I didn’t want to stay in the house that much, the governor decided to issue a “stay at home order.” COVID, am I right?

At first I was upset. I didn’t want to stay at home. I wanted to get out. I had stayed at home for the past year taking care of my mother, and now I wanted to go. And I did for a while. I got out as much as I could. I spent way too much money, I changed myself (my hair, my style), I quit my job and got a new one. I stopped talking to people I worked with. I cut ties with almost everyone because I wanted to be left alone and not be reminded of who I was, while I was trying to find out who I actually was. Without my mother.

I didn’t know what I was doing. I had never been alone. I had never lost someone this close to me. I didn’t know how to cope. All I knew was, change. In hindsight, I felt like I had to change, not only to figure out who I was, but also, to get away from that person. To distance myself from her, so I could get a better picture of who I was, or who I wanted to be.

Now, a little over a year later, I’ve “calmed down” if you will. I can see that I have decided to keep certain things about myself from before, but also, keep some things I changed into. I’m new, but I’m also the same. I guess you could say, I’ve embraced some things I ran away from, because I realized, they’re not really all that bad.

All of this brought me here, to this moment, to this blog post. Out of everything I lost, and everything I changed, I see that I’ve kept one thing: writing. I walked away from it for about a year and a half, and I know I wrote back in November (which I do want to get back to at some point), but to wake up and decided to get a laptop with my tax money because I miss writing, that says something. I’m a writer. I don’t know if it’s going to take me anywhere, but it will keep me in happiness. I miss writing so much and I’m glad to be back.

I want to talk about specific things, but right now, I just wanted to say hello. This past year has been me realizing that I want to be anywhere, and here at the same time. I go through these moods of wanting to go, but I always want to come back. Because I like it here. I like where I am. I wanted to get away from it, but I ended back here anyway. And I’m ok with that.

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