Since I finished writing my favorite novel, Times, two years ago, I’ve often thought that 50,000 words was too short and I wouldn’t get my point across. Last year, I was eager to edit it, rewrite it, send it out, fix things, and get it published. But I never felt ready. I was so concerned with a lot of things pertaining to it, that it left me sitting in my room, angry that I couldn’t do anything. By the end of the year, I was disappointed and sad and, at times, depressed. I didn’t do anything with it, and I was not happy with the fact that I couldn’t do anything with it.
One day this week, as I was driving home, I thought about something I heard my pastor say on t.v. (yes, I just discovered that my pastor is on t.v.).
It’s going to take some time.
He talks a lot about fulfilling your purpose, and doing something now while you have the chance. I’ve been so focused on finishing my story, and all of those anxieties keep coming back.
You’re not doing anything about anything. You’re too busy thinking, and not doing. You don’t have time to do nothing. What in God’s name are you waiting for? The pastor is telling you to do it now.
I let those thoughts flutter off as I went back to Pastor Stevens’ words. It’s going to take some time.
That’s all I needed, really. I came to a clear realization. “God, I’m not ready to finish the story,” I said out loud. “I still have things to learn. I’m still getting more material for the story.”
I’m getting ideas. More and better ideas. I do honestly feel like I’m getting close to a breakthrough. It’s coming. I just have to be wise as to when I start. If I start too soon, the story will be crap. If I start too late, I’ll forget everything I’ve been thinking and feeling (aside from the notes I’m taking). I’m still not 100% ready to start, but this may be the year I actually open the file.
And, as for it being “too short,” if I can get my message across in just 50,000 words, God can do the rest. I just have to be wise and go with my “gut,” and stop when I feel is right. Because, you know, as writers, we tend to go on and on and on and…
Maybe my purpose isn’t to finish the story, maybe my purpose in this season is to better the story. Maybe my purpose is to not think about the story at all, and start thinking about my life. Maybe I don’t even know my purpose. Maybe my purpose is something I’ve never thought of. Maybe I need to stop focusing on something I’m too angry to do anything about, and relax and do something else.
Relax. That’s what I tried to do in December. It did work, actually. I think I may have written a little bit. I know I have this month, for a couple of days. It’s coming. It’s coming smoother than it did when I held on too tight. I relaxed, and it flowed a little more.
It’s coming. I promise. I just have to tell myself, be anxious about nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God.
Lord, I thank you that you have given me this awesome idea for a story. You are the creator and the giver, and I know You have a plan for it. I request that you help me rest in You, so I can better hear Your voice, so that I may know which way You want me to go. I thank you that you have given my purpose life, and I thank You for giving me new ideas. They’re pretty awesome. Thank you. In Jesus name, amen.