Rain Check

“Hey Sarah, it’s Bill.  It’s been a couple weeks, hopefully you’ve calmed down by now.”
“Hey Sarah, it’s your dad.  You don’t want to talk to me?”

These are the two messages I got from my dad after our last phone call.  Both times I was at work, but that’s not the point.  At least he called?  Yeah, that’s something.

But, no, I haven’t calmed down by now.  I’ve still got twenty years (give or take a few) of negative feelings built up.  I haven’t magically gotten rid of them in the last two weeks.

I’ve tried to walk away before.  It worked, until he came back, then I was right back to my old self.  Now I have to start over.

I used to have a journal filled with information and thoughts and feelings I had about a guy, the first guy who actually showed an interest in me.  It didn’t end well, but I held onto that journal of ten years.  I think I finally got rid of it.  I looked for it everywhere.  But it’s gone.  I don’t even remember throwing it away.

I wish I could do that with my feelings toward my dad.  Throw away all the sadness, and anger, and confusion, and forget about them.  I wish I could toss out my yearning for him.  I wish I didn’t feel like a little girl with her arms stretched out to him, waiting for him to pick me up and hold me.  I’m twenty four.  I’m not a little girl anymore.  I wish I could stop feeling like one.

I have issues.  If that’s not evident based on this blog, you’re blind.  But Sarah, we all do.  I get one day a week to be selfish, don’t ruin it for me.

I need to get over this.  I don’t want to push a family member out of my life, but I also don’t want to continue feeling like I have to keep him here.  I hold the title Dad to a very high standard.  I had so much hope that things would change.

Men, I hope you’re getting my message.  Be in your daughter’s life.  Love her, treat her with respect, let her know that you know she is special.  Make her feel special.

This is part of the reason I’ve never had a boyfriend.  I don’t want a guy to act like my dad, I just want a guy who treats me like I should have bee treated my whole life.  Just, someone who gives me what I’ve yearned for my whole life.

Love.

My mother’s love is strong enough for two parents, three even, but it just can’t replace the love I wanted from my dad.  She knows that.

I can be OK.  And I will be.  It’s going to take some time, but it will happen.

Just, not in two weeks.  Can I take a rain check?

Good night!  Good morning!  Good everything!

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2 thoughts on “Rain Check

  1. I was fortunate enough to have my father around. Both my parents, actually. But in recent years I had to cut ties with my mother because her abusive ways were too much for me to deal with anymore. It sucked to have to let go of her, I had spent my entire life trying so hard to please her, but in the end I realized nothing was ever going to be good enough.

    Now, years later, she and my sister both try to guilt me into having a relationship with her. Sure, sometimes I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her about something, but I know she hasn’t changed. She chose the path our relationship has travelled and I decided it wasn’t worth walking back for.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t let go of who you are (feelings included) just to try and get a piece of that perfect life society keeps shoving down our throats. We come from a generation of selfish parents who are too blind to see what they’ve done to their children.

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    1. Thank you. Your comment is very encouraging. I’m sorry you had to cut out your mother, but you sound like you’re a better person for it. I hope that I too can let go and get to this place. Thank you for the wonderful advice.

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