This is the first blog post of 2013. To start off the new year, I cried because of money, I cried because of my mom’s struggles that I thought I caused, we’re going to move and I don’t want to, I’m not going to have a job, I hardly work at the job I have now because my hours got cut.
You know what I love about blogs? I can come back in a month, or six, and re-read this post and remember how I felt. I kept a “journal” once back in 2006-2007 when I met a guy. I wrote all about our conversations and how he made me feel and what I thought of him and how often I did. I wrote about what he would say and how much I wanted to talk to him when I was down, and how unhappy I was when he didn’t talk to me at all. At the end of the journal when the feeling has passed and I was onto a new one, I wrote something like, “Tomorrow, I will go back to feeling like I did. I hope I don’t.”
I would often read that journal to remember how much I disliked him. I would get so angry and tell myself, “That’s how I’m supposed to feel towards him. Look at what he did to you.” After a while, after I changed my attitude, I went back to read it, and I knew that I had gotten over him when I smiled after reading it. Yes, I smiled, because I realized how important that time in my life was. Why I still have it, I don’t know. I think I need it, until I grow up. Or rather, mature.
I’m going to treat this blog like a diary. A journal, actually, because I’m letting people read it. I want to be honest and share things with you. I want to remember. Even if I’m angry and don’t mean a word I say, I want to remember how I felt so I know how not to feel next time (or how to avoid there being a next time).
I want to do more. I want to expand. I don’t know what “more” I’m talking about, though. I know for sure that I want to finish The Hour (my 2012 NaNo. In fact, I may even want to change the title). And I want people to read it. I want to make a blog/website just for that story, too. There’s so much in it that might need to be explained, and I want to tell people what it really does mean. I want to take you as deep into it as I went.
I want to write more. Short stories, poems, anything. I may even add another blog posting day (we’ll see where I am in six months). I want to share it all with you guys. I want you guys to know more about my feelings (as if you haven’t head enough yet).
I want to be more creative. I want to learn how to play the piano (I’m getting there). I want to talk to more people. I want to be more inspired. I want to do more for people. I want people to be more open to me (more? I might not know what I’m asking for. Haha).
I can feel it, you guys. I can feel something. I know this year will be different (of course, it already is). Something is going to happen you guys, and I want to take you along with me when it does.
I got something down inside of me that only you can see.
Help me dig a little deeper now and set that diamond free.
Diamond, by Brandon Heath. Most definitely my theme song for this year.