Different And New

This is the first blog post of 2013.  To start off the new year, I cried because of money, I cried because of my mom’s struggles that I thought I caused, we’re going to move and I don’t want to, I’m not going to have a job, I hardly work at the job I have now because my hours got cut.

You know what I love about blogs?  I can come back in a month, or six, and re-read this post and remember how I felt.  I kept a “journal” once back in 2006-2007 when I met a guy.  I wrote all about our conversations and how he made me feel and what I thought of him and how often I did.  I wrote about what he would say and how much I wanted to talk to him when I was down, and how unhappy I was when he didn’t talk to me at all.  At the end of the journal when the feeling has passed and I was onto a new one, I wrote something like, “Tomorrow, I will go back to feeling like I did.  I hope I don’t.”

I would often read that journal to remember how much I disliked him.  I would get so angry and tell myself, “That’s how I’m supposed to feel towards him.  Look at what he did to you.”  After a while, after I changed my attitude, I went back to read it, and I knew that I had gotten over him when I smiled after reading it.  Yes, I smiled, because I realized how important that time in my life was.  Why I still have it, I don’t know.  I think I need it, until I grow up.  Or rather, mature.

I’m going to treat this blog like a diary.  A journal, actually, because I’m letting people read it.  I want to be honest and share things with you.  I want to remember.  Even if I’m angry and don’t mean a word I say, I want to remember how I felt so I know how not to feel next time (or how to avoid there being a next time).

I want to do more.  I want to expand.  I don’t know what “more” I’m talking about, though.  I know for sure that I want to finish The Hour (my 2012 NaNo.  In fact, I may even want to change the title).  And I want people to read it.  I want to make a blog/website just for that story, too.  There’s so much in it that might need to be explained, and I want to tell people what it really does mean.  I want to take you as deep into it as I went.

I want to write more.  Short stories, poems, anything.  I may even add another blog posting day (we’ll see where I am in six months).  I want to share it all with you guys.  I want you guys to know more about my feelings (as if you haven’t head enough yet).

I want to be more creative.  I want to learn how to play the piano (I’m getting there).  I want to talk to more people.  I want to be more inspired.  I want to do more for people.  I want people to be more open to me (more?  I might not know what I’m asking for.  Haha).

I can feel it, you guys.  I can feel something.  I know this year will be different (of course, it already is).  Something is going to happen you guys, and I want to take you along with me when it does.

I got something down inside of me that only you can see.

Help me dig a little deeper now and set that diamond free.

Diamond, by Brandon Heath.  Most definitely my theme song for this year.

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